Times are changing…

For the past 25 years, there’s always been something about me that stays constant. It’s the something that heavily influences my anxiety. It’s what hinders my weight loss, makes me work long hours, and makes me settle. And quite frankly, I think it’s what Dylan hates the most about me. You see, I’m incapable of putting myself first. 

This has always been a thing. I will take my happiness and throw it out the window, if that means that someone else is succeeding. I will totally forget about my feelings, in order to make someone else happy. This happens all the time. This is my life. 

Let me break it down a little bit…

In 2015 I developed some pretty bad anxiety, that absolutely demolished my 2016, and at no point did I wonder how could I heal myself. Instead, I scrambled to keep my friends, coworkers, and fiance happy- because in my head their happiness meant more than mine. This resulted in a pretty lengthy internal struggle, a pretty heavy weight gain, the loss of most of my friends back home (holla for a dolla fair weather friends), and a terrible outlook on my self worth. It almost demolished my relationship with my fiance, and I almost went home- single and alone. I realized that the real issue was this is how I’ve always been. As long as everyone else was happy, successful, fulfilled- I’ve always taken the blows.

I thought that my outlet, my “care for yourself” was going to come in this blog. I spent the end of 2015, all of 2016, and the beginning of 2017 fighting my way through this world of the internet to try and make it. I gained 11,000 Instagram followers, got free clothes, and found some surface connections. Save the pity party, it was all pretty awesome… But it never healed me. In fact, I just pushed myself further away from “who I really am” to become someone I thought the internet would want me to be.

I’ve spent pretty much my entire life, trying to be who the world wants– saying the things on my blog that the world wants to hear (This is a partial truth. My relationship posts, my #getFIT posts, and most of my random posts are me… Millennial Mondays though…?), and focusing on everyone else’s mental health while forgetting my own.

Save the pity party, I’m not asking for the “woe is me, oh poor girl” routine. I lead with my heart, I worry about everyone else, and I cry weekly about homeless dogs and the children in Aleppo. This is just who I’ve always been. Truth be told, I’m proud of who I am. My compassion, my heart, all of it. I just need to worry about myself, at least a little. I may have lost 100 pounds, found a man friend, moved a couple states and gotten a puppy, but I’ve never really taken care of myself. 

So… Now what?

I’m glad you asked… Or read that in your head, so technically it was asking… I’m going to kind of chuck the deuces up to the world of wide web. I’m not deleting anything, because the constant entertainment of celebrity drama, goat videos, and my unnecessary desire to brag about my life will always be present. (P.S. Mainly cause hello, Ed Sheeran is on Friday) I’m just kinda taking a break from the blog, taking a break from the “Facebook fan page” (ew) and 11,300 followers on Instagram.

I’m spending my summer, fall, and winter just living. I’m going to be in a bride tribe, spend time with my family, celebrate our marriage only 6 months late, watch my best friend get married, turn 26, go back to Disney World, and meet Ed Sheeran. We’re planning a second cruise, a fourth trip to Vegas, and to start a family. I want to share those things with the world, but not alongside my “super awesome t-shirt from company XYZ”, at least, not right now (watch me change my mind in the next 48 hours, and when I do- don’t say I didn’t warn you). I want to for real lose these stubborn pounds, take Ellie on walks, have date nights with Dylan and do it because I want to, not because it will look trendy on the internet. 

So, goodbye to alwaysampersand for a little while. Maybe a week, maybe a month, and maybe until I become a sell out and post a blog that I get paid for next Tuesday… Who knows, all I know- is the next time I post on here, on Facebook, or on Instagram, it’s because I want to. No more of “the blogging world”, “the real world”, or some heart lead bullshit to keep me from focusing on me… Happy 2017 everyone.

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