You’re lost- it’s okay.

You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, in every single situation. You’ve begun to blame yourself for the way things are, regardless if it’s your fault of not. You’ve become numb to the idea that things will actually change, and you’re scared. Yet, you continue to push- because behind the wall of scars and anxiety, there is a little glimmer of hope. There’s the tiniest little light in your heart that whispers “never give up”, and that light is the only thing that’s kept you pushing lately.

You know that you have family. You know that you have friends, somewhere. You realize that you have the job you want. And you know that your fiance loves you, even when it doesn’t feel like it. You know that things can get better. You know that things should get better. But you’re not sure if things will get better.

Things are going to get better, I promise.

You see, you spend all of your time thinking about how bad things are. How you don’t measure up to the world’s definition of “having it together”. You don’t have that “it” factor that makes you “special”. You definitely don’t have enough “self worth” to do anything about the way you’re treated. You lay in bed and let anxiety consume you. Put on a brave face for 8 hours of work, and then collapse back into the shame and guilt of being yourself. You face the fears of jealousy in your relationship, and spew hatred at your fiance- who’s quick to throw it back.

Things are going to get better, I promise.

You’re just lost right now. You forgot how the lines in the corners of your eyes crinkle when you laugh. You forgot how much you can squat, and how strong you really are. You’ve forgotten the inside jokes that you used to have with friends, and the stories that you used to have together. You’ve lost the meaning behind why your fiance calls you “cat”, and why he doesn’t make you laugh the way you used to. You forgot about your favorite books, movies, and clothing items. Especially clothes, because a lot of them don’t fit the way you’d like. You forgot that you liked working out as an escape from work, but now it just seems like a chore.

Things are going to get better, I promise.

You see, life might be hard right now, 2016 Jen, but it’s not permanent. One day, your fiance will sit you down and tell you that he knows he’s contributing to your anxiety. He knows that you deserve better, and he will be the one to help you heal. One day, you’ll remember all the old videos you took of him, and the two of you will laugh, and the crinkles in your eye corners will return. You will go back to working out, and building your strength. You’ll realize how much you can squat, and how beautiful you can be at any size. You’ll go on a cruise, and get to spend time with your best friend, making you so thankful that she never ran away- all those times you pushed her away. You’ll also realize that some people just aren’t meant to be your friends anymore, but that doesn’t mean that’s bad it just means it’s different. You’ll find new friends, to replace the old, and your new friends will be old. You’ll start laughing at being called “cat” again, and you’ll laugh more with your husband than you ever did with your boyfriend or fiance. You’ll wear your clothes, even when they’re tight. You’ll watch movies, even though they’re cheesy. You’ll remind yourself of books and television shows that you loved, and you’ll never want to forget them again. You don’t need to work out as an escape anymore, because you don’t need to escape.

Things got better, because I promised.

Life isn’t easy. Anxiety isn’t easy. I lived over 16 months buried underneath myself and my problems. 16 months scared to be myself, scared to grow and scared to change. Thankfully, I always had people to help me find my way out of the darkness, even if it was just anxiety. Today, you need to tell yourself: Things will get better, I promise. Because every single day might not be good, but there will be good in every single day.

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