This is not click bait.
There’s something on the market that is considered basically a “safe alternative” to laxatives. It’s legal, you can buy it at Wal Mart in the tea aisle, it looks just like green tea- but it’s definitely not.
I’m not going to name this tea because I don’t want anyone to think I hate my experience with this company. I will however be more than willing to let you know all about it privately. Just shoot an email over to email@example.com for more… Wait until you read the rest of my experience though, before you jump on the poop tea train.
One Saturday Afternoon,
I read about this poop tea on Facebook. Being me, I followed with with extensive research gathering the conclusion that maybe this was something my body needed to try. I forgot about it until I stumbled across it at Wal Mart and decided it was worth a shot.
If I only knew.
I did the directions, steeping the tea, squeezing the bag, and making sure to finish the entire 8oz of water while it was hot. The directions said “will take between 6-12 hours before results appear”. Of course, I took all of my spare thoughts and focused on my digestive system. After about twenty minutes I was convinced “it was working”. False alarm.
I’m pretty sure that I drank the tea for the first time at 4:00pm. The box and every online forum said to be sure to take it before bed, because you don’t want it interfering with sleep.
Why didn’t I listen to the internet?
Six hours later, it was 10:00pm, and my body was exhibiting no sign of results. We went to bed around midnight, and from 2:00am on, I thought I was going to die.
Not just like “oh, woe is me” dying. I actually thought that I was giving child birth. The intensity of the stomach cramping combined with the feeling of the flu made for the most unpleasant sleep I’ve ever experienced. The best part? No results came as a result of these feelings, of course not. Instead, I just got to roll around in the bed and silently pray to Jesus to just either make me puke, shit, or die to end my suffering.
16 hours later,
when my alarm went off at 8:00am, I was positive that it was “results” time. Results came at hour 17, 18, 19, 20 and 25 too. Joy to the world.
So, moral of the story?
This tea tasted disgusting. I don’t like tea though- so maybe someone would enjoy the taste of moldy mint in a cup…? If so, this is for you. This tea, while providing ample “results” did not provide a different scale reading. I would warn you not to take this as a “quick” remedy for weight loss. The positive though, was that I didn’t feel so groggy and full of crap. I didn’t know feeling “full of crap” was a real thing, but it is. Actually, I’ve drank this tea two more times after my original episode. It was a nice “cleanse” after the holidays and my body didn’t feel like it was chalk full of shit. Give it a shot, but do it on the weekend, cause yo- You’ll be pooping for days.