Diets are dumb.
The fitness industry tries to tell you that you need to fit into this tiny little niche of xs yoga pants wearing, chai tea latte drinking, clean eating monsters that never get to have any fun.
Literally, that’s in the handbook. Only eat plain chicken breast & don’t you dare smile. Smiling is for fat people.
I’ve done them though. I’ve been around the block a few times & I’ve looked at each and every diet at least once. I didn’t try them all, hell no- some of those things aren’t for the faint of heart. I did though, look at them… And maybe silently judge the majority of people who swore by them… Until I realized, I was doing things that probably should have been judged… Yikes.
Since I’m on the fitness kick this week, I figured, why not talk about the diets I tried to do, and ultimately failed at. Judge me, please.
1. The Military Diet
Read up on the Military Diet HERE. You should probably understand that this isn’t a GOOD diet for… anyone. Apparently though, you can lose up to 10 pounds in a week. Or so that’s what Pinterest, Facebook friends & this website told me. sold. They say it’s a 1500 calorie plan, so I figured “This is going to be easy”. I literally bought grapefruit for this diet. I threw it away within seven minutes of trying to eat it. (Fail #1). I don’t even like coffee, and that’s a “part of breakfast”. No. Then they said “eat Tuna” for lunch & I figured turkey was a fine substitute. Eating turkey with a plain slice of bread? (Fail #2) Also, they love apples in this diet & those kill me… so (Fail #3)
OVERALL: This diet was more of a “Jen will die” than a “Jen will lose 10 pounds”. 4/10 success & would not recommend.
2. Sugar Free For You & Me!
If you Google sugar free diets, you can find 130 different celebrities that swear their size 2 figures are thanks to the lack of sugar in their diet. Well, good for you. I can tell you with certainty, this diet lasted 26 hours. I researched this for a good week before jumping in, going through the aisles of the grocery store to find “sugar free snacks” (aka just chew a lot of gum) and thinking that I could do this. I was going to “shed that weight” and “do it the right way”. I made it one whole day, eating vegetables, lean meats, and I think I ate plain toast for a “snack”. Do you know what has sugar? Pretty much every single thing that has any flavor what so ever.
OVERALL: This diet just doesn’t work with my palate. I’m much more sugar driven than I should be. If you have the will power though, give it a shot. 6/10 could be successful, I can not recommend it- I like cookies.
This one will be short and sweet. One time Chelsie convinced me that I should definitely juice with her. An “all juice cleanse” before we would juice, because juicing was the trend in 2012. My dumb ass totally jumped on that train with her. We started on a Monday at 8am & ended up eating a full lunch by 12pm that day. Four hours.
OVERALL: Listen, if you like drinking your calories, you could totally do this. 5/10 potential success for strong willed individuals.
4. Multi Level Marketing
Multi level marketing is everywhere in 2017. From clothes to makeup to diets, there is no where to escape those who use small businesses to add income for their families. I do not have anything against those who are a part of it. I spent a lot of money on a protein supplement which is now in the news for their lawsuits because their claims are bullshit. Probably upwards of $3,000 spent on that company over a two year span, so that’s awesome. I’ve also tried the pretty popular wraps, as a way to “jumpstart a vacation”, but it just made me dehydrated & gave me a rash. It wasn’t smart, let’s just say that.
OVERALL: So much multi level marketing as success, especially Shakeology & Advocare where people actually eat and mix it with actual exercise to get actual results… Weird. 8/10 would recommend real fundamentally backed companies.
You’ve all ready probably 15 blogs about me trying to fail at macros. For those of ya’ll who aren’t aware- macros is your daily allotment of carbohydrates, fats and proteins. I used to think I was the shit when I did this. It did not work for me. I spent hours calculating every single thing that went in my body and it was an actual disease. I sucked. People that count macros though, do have a lot of success. I did not, I just failed miserably at it.
OVERALL: This is probably the one diet I regret not working harder at. There is so much potential and science that could actually back it to work. 9/10 would recommend if you could weigh out every single ounce of food you eat, you will find success.
So much of my weight loss was trying silly diets, and it took about a year for me to realize that my body adapted to the best diet ever. I would eat McDonalds every single day and then work it off in the gym. (Unfortunately, we’re not all so lucky. 25 year old Jen is not as lucky at 22 year old Jen) So many diets are a fad, and I would just stay cautious and never put things in your body that seem suspect. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
What’s the craziest diet you’ve ever tried? Also, thanks for judging me- I deserve it.