I’m in Iowa right now, pretending that I’m in not. I figured that I’d separate our vacation into two blog posts (build suspense?), and since we didn’t have a real wedding, you can all be invited to the re-telling of our “best wedding ever”.


Dylan and I, along with 18 of our family and friends spent four days in the Atlantic Ocean on a cruise ship. Twenty people is a lot to keep track of. It’s crazy though, because thinking back on the last week, I can remember spending time with every single person. Which is like “high five” self, because trying to juggle parents, best friends, extended family, siblings, etc is not easy. Especially when people travel from multiple states, on five or six different flights, have different times getting on the ship, different ways getting to the ship. whoofta. But, we made it. & it was time to party.

Day One: 97% Orange & tax on drinks.

“Unlimited drink package” & “pre-paid” gratuity was only valid when you were in the water. We learned that 17.6 seconds after getting on the ship, because we all went straight to the bar. Apparently, there’s tax on drinks in Florida, so thanks Florida. That’s okay though- because we had our strawberry daiquiris, little umbrellas, a lot of sunshine, and far away from Iowa. I was down for whatever at that point.

The cruise ship was seriously incredible. Our ship’s “theme” was this artistic worldly vibe- filled with art and bright colors. It was nicely decorated and very inviting. The only thing that wasn’t so incredible was the Venetian Lounge (I don’t remember if that’s what it was called). That was the room that we were supposed to be married in. Do you remember when I posted about that “literal tragedy” that almost happened to us back in August? I will never love myself more than the day I cancelled that wedding package. I almost threw up just walking in there so we definitely dodged a bullet. Yes, there were jesters and jokers on the walls, and there was velvet everywhere. No thank you. 

I went on the ship orange, because spray tans do that to a white girl, and today’s orangecast was at 97%. I’m cool with it though, because my orange body and white feet were always a talking point- regardless if anyone was drunk or sober.

Day Two: “Fun Day At Sea” AKA “Is It Time For The Club Yet?”

The first “full day on the water” was just that. A “full day on the water” where they basically drive around in circles to make you think you’re traveling so far from the United States. In reality, you’re about 3 hours from shore at the most, and you’re just making giant circles. Still cool- cause like the verizon/sprint guy “Can you hear me now” became real and we had escaped!

We did some Harry Potter trivia (and sucked), played some mini golf (I sucked), drank some drinks (a collective 75 between the 13 of us “youngins”) and ate. That night we went to the club again. (I say again, because night one we found ourselves in a Spanish Conquistador’s fiesta, and danced to crazy Spanish music for hours)

That club though… Jen was in her zone. I can’t believe I never became a club rat in my life, because I will go wherever the booty can pop. Luckily for me, “nightlife” on the ship was the club or the casino- so I could pretty easily sway our entire group to come dance their hearts out with me. (We went every single night)

Day Three: The Day Jen got Zika

Nassau was a shit hole. Point blank, period. We got off the ship and I was chipper. Like, I was ready to play at the Atlantis Resort (because Mary Kate & Ashley had a movie there once, and I always wanted to be them) I walked to the island and within fifteen minutes was bum-rushed by a group of Bahamian men, got stuck in the ghetto and got bit by a mosquito. I dragged Dylan, Chelsie, Jason and Erik BACK on the ship, collapsed in my parent’s room and cried about how I can never have children. Cause I obviously had the Zika virus. Great.

That’s not even dramatic. Dylan & everyone else convinced me to get off of the ship (after an hour of the dramatics), get in a sketchy ass taxi, and go to the beach. Husband and wife- forgot their swimsuits.  We were a hot mess, and we were sober. Pretty sure Dylan went fully clothed into the ocean, and I just took pictures for Instagram. As a group, we lasted about 2 hours off the boat, got back on and got into a hot tub with a free drink. So. Much. Better. That night- back at the club.

Day Four: Dylan’s Crying- Still.

Today we got married.

I’m the manliest woman ever- or something. (My wedding dress is folded in my closet, I didn’t have a photographer, and I didn’t even wear makeup) I asked Chelsie to help me “get ready” in a cute up-do with fake eyelashes and face makeup. Fail. Her and Dylan pulled and prodded at my hair for thirty minutes, failed to get my eyelashes on and we all collectively said “fuck it”. So, I got married- just the way I was.

Dylan said “You’ll be beautiful regardless & you’re always natural so don’t change for one day”. I was still nervous about not being “bride pretty”…. Then i walked down the aisle.

Dylan cried seeing me, cried saying his vows, cried putting on the ring, cried taking pictures. I didn’t. (I am a man)  I will be posting a “wedding feelings blog” next week, so- wait for that. Let’s just say, that regardless of the windy weather, my crying husband and my inability to look like a typical bride- it was a beautiful, incredible and amazing wedding.

We are so happy.

The rest of the cruise I was drunk. And we went to the club again. Four nights in a row. Ratchet. We got off the ship the next morning and proceeded to our honeymoon! (thanks to Chelsie and Erik for driving us to Disney World, and hour away from the ship!)

Another thank you to Carnival Cruise Lines– They made us feel so special by delivering champagne and strawberries to welcome us to our room on the first night. Kunkun was great in taking care of us and our stateroom as well! Especially thankful for the complimentary internet so I was able to post pictures the whole cruise cause Instagram is life.

We literally had the vacation slogan “eat, drink, & be married”.

The Adventure continues tomorrow…


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