I think at the beginning of November, I said something along the lines of “I have a case of the Mondays and I needed a break”… There seemed to be something more going on that I didn’t even realize…
I want to start off by reminding you all that I’m pretty transparent on this blog. We talk about when Dylan and I fight, the fact that I’m worried about x, y and z, when I can’t lose weight, and about 743 other things that are parts of my life… There’s this little part of me, that continues to grow into a big part of me, and for the last couple of weeks, it seems to have overtaken me.
Last time we dove into my anxiety, we talked about my thoughts on the inability to be good enough, my lack of handling stress, my fears getting increased for normal things, and of course- my hypochondria. While these things will always be a part of my life, there’s something new, and it’s the worst thing ever.
The “gut” feeling.
Normally the world says “listen to your gut”, and it’s something you’re supposed to act on because “your gut controls your life”…. Well, with anxiety- that’s a big old lie. You do not want to listen to your gut, or dwell on that gut feeling, because it wants to ruin your life.
You see, about a week ago- in the midst of my “blahs”, taking a break from blogging, and increased responsibility at work, I woke up with the gut feeling. I don’t know what, where, when, why, or how- but I did. Of course, I didn’t have anything to attribute it to, because it’s anxiety and it doesn’t have to make sense. Lucky for him, Dylan was the first thing I saw that day, so it was projected onto him and our relationship.
It was four days of literal hell.
My anxiety took a hold of my life, convinced me that I needed to leave my relationship (which, let me tell you- even when I had the “gut” feeling, I still looked in Dylan’s eyes and loved him. It was like a cage match on my insides, with my feelings and my anxiety), and destroyed me. The fact that I had the feeling in the pit of my stomach that provided hours of tears, a really REAL fear of losing someone you love, a phone conversation with my mother (where she had to leave work to try and console me), plenty of conversations with Dylan, and such a terrible pain, broke me down.
Then, Monday night- a week after it all began, I started to Google it. “That gut feeling” lead to anxiety and a gut feeling, which lead to a forum that described every. single. emotion. that the last month has had on my life.
Guys, it’s scary. It’s not just this whole “oh poor me” thing. It’s come to the point where it plays games in my head about things that it doesn’t need to. Dylan and I are solid. Are we always, no, of course not. But at the end of the day, he’s what I have here- and he’s what I want. Anxiety is irrational, and it takes different forms for every person, and clearly can change it’s forms inside of you. YUCK.
I love Dylan. I love Dylan. Anyone who’s reading this- please know that I love Dylan. My anxiety projected onto something that I know, and living here- alone- in Iowa, there’s very few things for my anxiety to try to destroy. I can not explain to you the pain I feel for hurting Dylan, for making him watch me cry and question everything, and I will never be able to repair him for spending an entire week putting me back together.
Whoofta. Talking about this helps so much. I urge you- if you have anxiety, mild or severe, and need to talk about it, PLEASE reach out to me. It’s a terrible thing to hold inside, it’s SO real, and it’s a terrible thing that have because NO ONE can see it.
Thank you Dylan, I love you.