Every single form of social media has seen a little bit of my The Neighbor Chronicles postings. Generally, they’re in the form of a thread tweet about the crazy woman downstairs or a Facebook status about tap dancing Sally upstairs. Since we’re almost into Month 9 of this apartment, I wanted to put all of this goodness in one place, because God knows that there will be more neighbors and more crazy to come my way.

Let’s talk about Sally….

Sally lives upstairs with her mom. She enjoys to be a normal ten year old girl and jump off of the couch at 1:30 in the morning. Wait, that’s not normal. Let me try again. She enjoys to be a normal ten year old girl and run laps dribbling a basketball on the floor of her third floor apartment when there are neighbors below. Much better. Not really. Sally also enjoys to be terrible at the recorder, often giving up after seventeen seconds, and expressing her frustration by just blowing in it as loud as she can for twenty three minutes straight.

Sally’s mom wasn’t a fan of my multiple complaints, so she came down to chat. I let her know that if Sally didn’t stop jumping on the bed, I wouldn’t graduate college. Sally’s mom said “everyone can hear everything” and I told her that was fantastic, but after 11:00pm a responsible parent would tell Sally to stop throwing her markers and barbies  on the floor. Sally’s mom let me know that she didn’t appreciate our fan noise, something that we have zero control over, as we did not install the fan, but I nodded my head. Now, to combat Sally’s midnight recorder-while-couch-jumping sessions, I turn our fan on high and enjoy my nice breeze while Sally and her mother try to sleep on a vibrating floor.

Let’s talk about Crazy…

Crazy lives below us. Crazy moved in one day before us, and while we were moving in her boyfriend told my dad to “Shut the F up”, then lied to his face. I should have known then. Crazy hates everyone, and can’t go more than seventeen minutes without smoking and blowing it towards our apartment. November-February, we would on occasion hear Crazy and her #1 fighting about something stupid, but it would end quickly. In March, Crazy really got crazy. She was being accused by #1 of cheating on him. Their screaming matches about his insecurities and her promises were often way more entertaining than anything on our basic cable package, so I was tuned in. Most of the time, it ended with him crying and her telling him it wouldn’t happen again. Okay, Crazy. Around April, I noticed that the fights with #1 were getting louder, and Dad Shoes started coming over more often. Actually, a lot of Thursday nights, you would hear #1 crying and begging her to stop cheating, her promising, and the fight ending with a good old front of apartment smoke break. On Fridays, Crazy would be picked up by Dad Shoes, and they’d be on their way, only for her to return on Saturday morning as a walk-of-shame, just shy of #1 showing up. This was my entertainment for a while, as I would take pictures of Dad Shoes and his personalized license plate, JUST IN CASE I would need it. (Monetary leverage, anyone?)

In May, I noticed #1 stopped showing up, and Dad Shoes was making his face a little more known. I then deleted my pictures and wallowed in sorrow, because I would never have the chance to expose Crazy. Now, Dad Shoes was her main man, I think. The screaming matches ceased for a while, until about two weeks ago…

In these cease of said matches, Crazy was “watching” some dogs. They are cute as hell, weigh about six pounds combined, and bark like no ones business. They wouldn’t be too loud, or bark for too long, just enough that I realized the noise was coming from below. One morning, I left for work, and Crazy was outside with the runts. “Oh, are these the two little guys barking?” I asked. “They don’t bark and they’re not mine” (paraphrase). Okay Crazy, well thanks anyways. I was hurt about her lying to me, but then realized that it was her mantra to lie about absolutely everything in life.

In the last two weeks, Crazy had Dad Shoes move all of his solid colored polos into her apartment. The two of them were experiencing marital bliss for seven minutes, until he accused her of drinking too much. She let him know (quite loudly) that he doesn’t hang out with her enough, and he’s driving her to drink! Dylan likes to kick the floors to tell them to shut up, and then I kick Dylan for ruining my life’s entertainment. Let’s also mention that Dad Shoes has some type of self issues as well. Dad Shoes spends each and every morning that he sleeps over vomiting right beneath my feet as I get ready for work, for TWENTY MINUTES. I kid you not. He vomits for 20 minutes. So while we deal with the vomit to listen to the drama, my life got ruined.

On Saturday, Dylan and I thought someone was breaking down our deck. Well, Crazy was hungover from Friday night’s activities, of course, and Dad Shoes was PISSED. So pissed, he hit the windows and doors for eight minutes until she woke up. When she did, he stormed in, guns blazing to let her know how much he disliked her. Then, the best part of it all, was watching (as I always do, out the slits in the blinds) him walk his seven solid colored polos back to his car and then tap on his pockets. Dad Shoes must have angerly thrown his keys or something, and Crazy locked him out. After another ten minutes of banging on the door, he got his keys and sped away. I felt like that would be the end of Dad Shoes.

At 1:50 am on Saturday/Sunday, they had returned from the bar and decided that this would be a great time to voice their hatred. Obviously, this is the best time of day to have a civil conversation. The fight lasted seven minutes, because they needed to smoke, and post smoke, they were in love again… Crazy and Dad Shoes lives another day…

So, now you’re all caught up. It sounds like Sally and her mother are moving out lately, and they haven’t been making much noise. Luckily for us, Crazy makes enough for the both of them. Also, side note. Everyone in this building has puppies. Cooper is my favorite, because he’s a rag muffin. The corgi puppy is a second though. Today I got home and three puppies were playing and I almost cried. Until next time….

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