Today, I got in the car to drive to the gym. I blacked out and ended up at Kum & Go with a diet coke in my hand. That is how my life is currently going. I’ve been told multiple times that your 20’s are a time to struggle. To “find your calling”, and “know who you really are”. That’s not what I want. I don’t want to struggle AT ALL, but right now I’m pretty much 10 feet deep in struggle, riding the struggle bus, to the town of “Struggleton”, all the while having a Diet Coke infused panic attack and googling my next hypochondriac fueled ailment (today was the fear I was suffering from water toxicity), while looking at my empty wallet.
I have been too blessed thus far in life. People go through seasons of growth that challenge them, but for me, the challenge was never really a big life changing moment. Sure, friend drama in High School left me the girl who graduated with only underclassmen for friends. That was a tough season for an 18 year old. And yes, when I was 21, my brand new boyfriend was 19. There were no weekend trips to the bar, rather, weekends were spent at Old Chicago. That season was different that all my like-aged friends, but it created a relationship that I will now have forever. And lastly, yes, at 22, 23, and 24 when my friends and their younger siblings were all graduating college and getting full time careers, I was packing up my bedroom to move states away from everything I knew. That was probably the biggest season in my life, but it was also not this huge fear, anxiety, or worry about if I could make it. I knew I would, because I didn’t have to do it alone.
So, I’m sitting here, this whole past month, watching one thing after another be hurled in my direction. I don’t know WHO decided it was a time for a season in my life, but why me. Deep breathing, yoga meditation?, cause I’m going to be okay. Every single concern, will get answered, and will be handled, exactly as it should. Recently, I had two internships shot down. Sad. I ended up getting them waived from my degree, and I graduate June 3rd. Happy. I panicked for three weeks about my health, and finally got my results back, showing that I’m actually way healthier than I ever thought I would be. I look at the money leaving my bank account and try to budget for an unknown future, while begging Dylan to help me. Then I realize that my savings account and fiance will combined, never let me fall. I look at my thighs in the mirror and wonder how they can possibly still have their own zip code. Then I realize that I’m working hard on my body, and I will be rewarded with strong legs and a positive body mentality. All of these little things that I let fuel my anxiety, will all work out.
Maybe I needed to write and read this blog, just for my own sake. Maybe I needed to do it for Dylan’s sake. He’s gotten the 1am screaming, crying, laying in the bed like the world is ending panic, crazy train fiance “oh my god, life is crashing down around me, I can’t afford the hotel in California, why can’t we watch HGTV, why are my thighs so big, can you please stop eating all of the nachos”. But maybe, just maybe, you needed to hear this blog. Maybe you’re panicked about your bank account, job situation, graduation, relationships, weddings, babies, houses, or even just your next step. It’s just a season, and every season in life has it’s way of working out the exactly as it’s supposed to.
Moral of the story here, it’s going to be okay. Your season, my season, our seasons.