Listen, this is hard to write. I just want to throw it out there that I’ve been in pretty rough spirits since my last getFIT post, but I’m hoping this can throw me back on track… Three hours ago while running a mile and thinking about jumping into traffic to end the suffering, I kind of had an epiphany.
Why are we constantly at war with ourselves? Last week I was so excited to see seven less pounds on the scale, and it lasted all of 3 days. Once I got water back into my body, ate my meals, and lived a normal few days, I quickly regained the weight. Defeated.
Here’s the issue: For some reason, I fell like my THREE YEARS of weight loss should be reflected in the first five weeks of this program. I’m pretty sure that I did not lose that much weight as quickly as I’m expecting my body to do. Here’s another thing, I never lifted for the first 70 pounds I lost. Now as I continue to build my muscles, I’m upset that it’s not being represented on the scale…
I think another issue is that I blog, I facebook, I tweet, I instagram and I watch a TON of other women do it to. I see these women losing five pounds in a week, seeing their hip bones poke through, watching the gains in their quads, and then I see all of my marshmallow fluff and think that I’m for some reason less than them. I have this constant internal fear that my worth is based on what I can show you I’m doing with my life. For some reason, I’m so stuck on how I look to myself that I don’t even think that I look like that to you all, at all. And all your edges, your fluff, your pimples, and your insecurities, I don’t see either. It also doesn’t help that an Instragram post is ONE SECOND OF TIME. One second of flexing, popping out hips, bending their back into the right position to show off every single muscle. And in their one second, I take all 86,400 seconds each day and pick them apart.
I’m redundant. I tell you every few body blogs about loving yourself. I tell you that you are worth more. I say “this week I’m going to be better”. It’s like you read this and see my ONE SECOND and it’s not fair to pretend that my life is rainbow and butterflies. There’s a lot of struggle, many days of not wanting to go workout, and many days that I think giving up could be easier.
I didn’t lose seven pounds this week. I didn’t lose any. I weighed in and lost three pounds of fat and gained three pounds of muscle. Lost about 3 inches in the first five weeks. Cut over a minute off of my mile time, and RAN the entire length in -14 degree weather for the first time in my LIFE, I did over 2 times my previous record on push ups. So yeah, I didn’t lose seven pounds at all. I lost inches, I lost fat, I lost the fear of running a mile, of doing push ups in front of trainers, and of worrying. No, I’m not a fan of where my fitness progress has taken my thus far, but the key word is progress. I look different, I feel different, and there’s five weeks left of this program to grow.
I can do it. You can do it. We can do it. And we can do it without being in this constant battle with ourselves, our reflection in the mirror, and the ONE second that everyone else shows us.
(You are correct, I’ve been here before. I’m posted something VERY similar in a blog post before. My mindset was different before, my body was at a different place, and we’re all constantly changing… Sometimes this is something that we can hear over and over. Sometimes I need to say it out loud for it to stick with me too…)
Onto Week 6!