I need to vent, ya’ll.
When I was in high school, I could probably be categorized as a “mean girl”. I used to have an ice heart, used to hear ALL the gossip about everyone and use it to my advantage. I was not a nice girl. Mean enough, that upon graduation I had four friends, three of which were freshmen. When I graduated and started losing weight, my heart kind of softened to the world. I ran around with a supportive group of women, who constantly built me up and in turn, I learned how to really love and support friendships. While we have grown apart, I adopted this humanitarian-heart led way of life, and all it’s done is burn me.
I am one of those people (now), who if I trust you, I really trust you. You get all of my friendship, 100%. I would never take the opposing side, I stand in your corner and I support you. This is who I’ve become. It does burn me, and it hurts in the worst way possible.
For example, Dylan. Our engagement was nothing shy of an unbuckled roller coaster ride through the depths of hell, and yet I woke up every single day trusting that we were going to be okay. I believed it even when I should have walked four hundred miles in the other direction, but my heart was led to stay, trust, love.
It’s not just Dylan though. I do it with all of my friendships, my family, my in-laws, my co-workers. I do it with people that I trust with my life and people that I’ve known for five minutes. I work extremely hard, stay extremely respectful and build extremely real relationships. Since I lead with my heart and honestly give my all, it’s just a giant burn to find out that it’s not reciprocated. Often, it never ever gets reciprocated.
This has contributed to numerous fall outs with friendships, co-worker relationships, and makes me want to stop working hard on dead-end relationships, but I can’t. Dylan probably tells me once a week that at the end of the day, you only have yourself. I can not buy into the shitty mentality that people don’t care about me the way I care about them. It’s not fair. It’s not right. In 100% of cases, I put people before myself. I build up friends in finding new jobs, I tell them my problems and issues trusting that they’re being honest too, I support relationships starting or ending, and I never never NEVER rely on being fake to make my way. I push my friends, co-workers, family members, relationships in GENERAL to do their best, and in turn ask for nothing except for reciprocation.
In about 94% of those cases, I never get reciprocated. It is the hardest pill to swallow. I could never pretend that I care about someone that I don’t. Let’s be perfectly honest here, for those of you that I’m not a fan of, you know. I don’t benefit from “behind the scenes” talks on your incompetence. In fact, you’ve probably received a Facebook message, face to face conversations, or a strongly worded text message rant to let you know where I stand. Back to reciprocation though, it never comes, and the result is a broken heart. That’s it though, just a broken heart.
I guess I don’t understand. I grew up being taught to respect anyone and everyone I meet. I work so hard to make people feel like being around me isn’t a chore. I work hard to love, trust, support, respect, honor and be present in my relationships. If I’m not present in yours, well, then we’re probably not friends. And being present to me does not mean a daily text message, coddling you through a Facebook status or hanging out once a week. My presence is evident in the fact that if there’s ever a problem, ever a pain you don’t want to face alone or ever an obstacle you can’t complete- my number sits in your phone and you know that I’m there. Yet, I spend far too much time crying through a wall of stress over relationships that I thought were important and yet finding myself being screwed over again and again.
I won’t learn. I won’t ever learn. You see, Dylan and I talk about it a lot. I get burned in so many relationships in my life, but I won’t change who I am. I’ll continue to tell people my secrets, continue to hope that our friendships is real, continue to build a community that I constantly support. If I don’t get it back, sure. there will be plenty of tears that will accompany the physical pain I feel from the blatant disrespect on myself and our relationship. But I won’t hold a grudge against you, wish ill will on your family or fall into this “need” to get you back. It’s not who I am.
It stinks that I sit and lead with my heart. It’s a terrible pain to be burned by someone that you respect. My heart though, well, it’s my heart. I won’t ever learn, and I won’t ever change, because for as long as I live- I’m going to believe that people are honest, kind and will never intend to hurt me. It’ll happen, but I’ll handle that pain myself when it does.