Insert picture not taken by me to supplement the blog, here.
This week, we’re getting real. We’re going to talk about something I’ve talked about before, but never really felt the way I do today.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am okay the way I am.
Back in August, I hit the mark of losing the 20 pounds gained over the course of 2016. In September, a life altering thing happened and stress weight crept into my life. In October, I went back down and was at ease. In November, there was like this holiday where you basically eat for 24 solid hours. For some reason, the same thing happened in December. Holidays? Weird.
When Dylan and I started this weight loss challenge three weeks ago, I was holding onto a lot of holiday weight, stress weight, and retaining a lot of the sodium that is in the Diet Coke I had been drinking.In the first week, I was down three pounds. Week two and three were stagnant, basically maintaining. Watching everyone else losing 10-20 pounds in those weeks, where you don’t change, should have been hard. For some reason though, it wasn’t.
I don’t want to say that there’s something that used to live inside of me that disappeared. I don’t think that’s true. I just feel like that little voice in my head, that used to tell me everything was wrong, finally feels like maybe it isn’t.
You see, your self worth isn’t just the number on the scale, or convincing yourself that you’re pretty. It goes so much farther beyond that. You can tell me as many times as you want that you “self happiness”, “self worth”, and “self love” is all derived by the first word of each of those phrases, but I disagree.
When things are bad at work, I see what I do wrong. When things are bad in my relationship, same. Or just life in general? Plus, don’t get me started on cloudy days, big workloads, and needing to put gas in my car… I’m kidding- but you focus on the way you affect the world, so of course you’re going to let the world affect you. Yes. I agree with the reasons your shaking your heads at me. “If you only believed in yourself, or loved yourself, you wouldn’t rely on others to define you”. Well friend, up there on your golden pedestal, how’s the view? In reality, most of us rely on someone or something to help define how we see ourselves. That’s okay.
Let me wrap it up with this. I wrote a blog once about how I felt pretty in my skin, and how it spanned like a week or something and I was okay with feeling content. I shouldn’t have settled. Neither should you. I have lost ZERO pounds since that day where I blogged about reaching this epitome of self love. You can read it here. That day, week, and month was powerful to feel like I loved myself. My entire world though, was a pile of rubble, so that feeling did not last. It took me fixing the broken pieces in the world around me to heal the broken pieces inside of me. If you read one sentence of this entire post, read that one. Now think about it. Once I fixed my financial status, my job status, and my workout regimen- I lost some of the weight that I let define me. Once I fixed my relationship, once I took hold on my anxiety, and once I took a second to breathe- I realized that scale and my pants size didn’t contol my beauty.
Weird right? Someone who suffered from patterns of disordered eating, who blogs about not losing weight and loving yourself is here again to tell you that she loves herself? Not weird, just Jen.
If you’re thinking, maybe you want to write about your journey, I suggest you think about starting a website… Here’s where to start. Without this blog, without my #getFIT posts, and a community of people who help to build me up- well, I’m not sure if I ever would love myself. But damn it, I do today.
Maybe this isn’t entirely a #getFIT post. Though, the collection of #getFIT is not just a journey of working out. Actually, most of my #getFIT posts are about loving myself and finding the ability to be comfortable in my body. So, I’m not losing weight as fast as the guys who are in on this challenge. Maybe I never will. That’s okay. (I want to end with the fact that I’ve read through this a bunch of times, and I get that the train of thought is clearly running of multiple tracks, but yo- my endoprhins want to hug everyone and I just want everyone to feel this whole “self love” thing, cause it’s a trip)