I’ve been working out to “lose weight” for almost five years… What the hell.

That’s actually a long time and I didn’t even realize it. But, in that five years, I’ve done some pretty intense, mildly embarrassing, and some just plain silly things to help “aid” in my weight loss journey. This list came to me while I was walking on the treadmill today, and I was laughing out loud and some of the crap I’ve done. So here’s ten things that I did in my last five years of losing weight, that I probably didn’t have to….

10. I bought three grapefruits because they have like “zero calories”, and I thought I was being really trendy and smart in purchasing them. Then I tried to eat one. I decided I’d rather be dead, and threw two and 7/8 grapefruits in the trash.

9. I was once told that if your stomach is cold when you’re working out, that means you’re burning pure fat from your gut. I spent three weeks working out with my hand on my stomach to measure my “fat burning temperature”…. By the way, that’s not even true.

8. In an effort to save money, I used to work out in leggings (like, the day to day leggings, not workout ones). I took a workout class with Chelsie once. Like we literally took ONE class together, and I managed to split my pants. While in the back row of the class. Near the windows that faced the gym. And I finished the class. Dedication.

7. I used to convince myself that if I didn’t log the calories in MyFitnessPal then they didn’t count. I’ve also convinced myself that celery’s “calorie burn” was worth the cardboard taste… Neither of those are true.

6. Once I farted in class. No one heard me, but there’s a chance everyone smelled me. Now, if someone farts in my direction during a workout, I stare them down to let me know I realized that they made my life stank. I’m lying. I literally fart at the gym all the time, it wasn’t just once. But if someone farts in my direction, I guilt trip them like I’m this pretty princess.

5. I don’t know how to “jog”. So once I went to Lake Calhoun with Dylan and while he jogged around the lake I Sprint-Walked. I’d wait until he was so far ahead of me I had to squint to see him, then I’d run right past him about 100 feet, and then walk again. Dylan refused to run around Lake Calhoun with me ever again because I was “annoying”…

4. Most of the time that I’m laying in the area to do “abs”, I’m really doing “Instagram”… At least my fingers are getting a workout.

3. I own three pairs of Nikes, Nike sweatshirts, nice quality yoga pants, and I’ve spent a lot of money on “gym” clothes, but more often than not- I wear them in public instead of the gym. That way, people know that I “workout” in my spare time…

2. A lady got on a treadmill next to me, in the middle of my workout, when every single other treadmill in the row was empty. There were literally 15 empty treadmills, and she’s next to me. So I look at her, say “No, Nope, No”, shut off my treadmill and walk to the end of the row away from her and continue my workout. Now, this might make me a brat, but I can’t be “in the zone” if someone gets in mine…

1.  I have fallen off of a treadmill, broken the pedals on more than one exercise bike, fallen off a stair-stepper, and MOVED an entire elliptical… Not because I misstep, accidentally move wrong, or anything like that… But, rather, because Facebook had my attention. And once I fell, I definitely had the gym’s attention…

So I’ve done, seen, and acted like some type of crazy in the last five years, but at least I’m entertaining- right?

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