Welcome to the world of a real life hypochondriac. You can say you are one too, but are you really? Do you get an itch in the back of your head and convince yourself it’s a brain disease? Do you get a chest pain and plan how you’re going to say goodbye to your fiance, because you are obviously having a heart attack? Do you google every single day a symptom to something? Is WebMD your frenemy? If you answered yes to all of those questions, then welcome to the club. 

(I titled this with one, because I have a feeling that this may become a thing. This probably won’t be my only hypochondriac chronicle)
First things first, my body is off right now. I have not felt good for a while. Let me just say that, because I’m not just pulling all of this lately out of the sky. Four weeks ago I was bed ridden with some terrible combination of who actually knows what. Acid Reflux, Gallbladder, flu symptoms, stomach pains, fever, all types of mess. I was scared. I thought it was gall stones. I thought it was my appendix. I thought it was my kidneys. I thought it was cancerous. I could name at least fifteen things that I thought it was. When you live at home and can make a doctor’s appointment for the next day, it’s easy. When you live four hours away, have to schedule a doctor’s appointment three weeks out, and don’t have more than two people in the city to talk to, it’s not easy. It’s scary. So the internet became my safe haven. If I couldn’t see a doctor for three weeks, or only on a Thursday (shoutout to Kelsey, nanny mom, and new personal Des Moines doctor), you make do with what’s literally at your fingertips.

Then it turned into a thing. A new symptom, a new search. Kelsey yelled at me. My mom yelled at me. Dylan yelled at me. And everyone that I ever told, yelled at me. I’ve always kind of been like this, but in the past month, it’s sky rocketed. This is not intended to be some “oh poor me” blog post. Not at all. In fact, you’re about to laugh. I’m going to list off my last four weeks of Google searches, WebMD visits, and show you all that I am in fact the cream of the crop in the hypochondriac club. enjoy. 

My sickness started on April 7, right after nannying for three kids recovering from the flu.

  • April 7: How long after being exposed to the flu will symptoms show up
  • April 8: Appendicitis, symptoms of appendicitis, belly button pain, low-grade fever and chills, bad stomach pains, gallbladder pain, too much fiber upset stomach, how to tell if its gallbladder pain, can stomach pain not be serious, indigestion, (nineteen more appendicitis searches).
  • April 9: (seven searches for “stomach pain waking you up at night”), gallbladder location, appendicitis, gallbladder irritation, symptoms of gallbladder problems, irritable bowel syndrom, appendicitis vs. gallbladder, how can i know if my pain is from my gallbladder, abdominal pain – short term, is it okay if you don’t poop one day (which I don’t actually think was related to my symptoms)
  • April 10: Pain with IBS, appendicitis (five searches), large intestine, abdominal pain, (seven WebMD Symptom Checker searches), GERD, Appendicitis symptoms (nine searches), is too much popcorn bad for you, is eating popcorn daily bad for you, appendix location, colon pain (? what?), post gallbladder attack symptoms, digestive pain, abdominal pain, stomach pain lying on stomach ONLY,
  • April 12: abdominal Pain, Gallstones, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, Crohn’s Disease, Endometriosis, What is a Hernia, Peptic Ulcer Disease, Peritosis, Abdomen point tenderness, appendicitis (now an expert on appendicitis), GERD, why does my tongue feel too big for my mouth, tongue feels big, eating too many pinto beans.
  • April 14: (I took Pepto Bismol and had THIRTY THREE google searches about my poop). Polycustic ovarian syndrome, pelvic pain.
  • April 28: How much weight is too much to lose in a week, itchy boobs, are itchy breasts okay, lost five pounds in three days, fatigue, why am I tired, anemia.
  • May 4: bump in mouth, ulcers in mouth, common lumps in cheek, bump inside cheek.
  • May 5: Diet Coke ingredients, diet coke and liver disease, symptoms of liver disease, (ten articles on Aspertame)

There you have it. It’s like a slippery slope of information I should not have access to. For the record, I’ve gotten nothing back from the doctor yet. So there may soon be another blog post that says “all of this searching paid off, I actually already died”. The end.

Thank you to Pete who has been the social media version of Kelsey, Dylan, and my mom. Totally making fun of my entire life, and fears, and crushing all of my dreams. He’s got a blog, which you can find here. It’s about the Minnesota Twins, so there’s that. (If Dylan and Kelsey had blogs, insert them here. Dylan had a blog once…) #tangent


3 thoughts on “Hypochondriac Chronicles”

  1. I’m the same way. I hate easy Internet access! One night I cried because I found a new tiny mole pop up, and after about 30 minuets of tears and telling Nathan that when I die he can’t let Quinn survive on just Mac And Cheese, it turned out to just be melted chocolate. Or the Summer at Andover A+ I had to leave work early and drive myself to the ER because there was a bump on my head that the doctor said he didn’t know what it was. So I got so worked up in my head I got headaches and about passed out! I went to the ER and forced them to give me a CAT scan because “there’s a tumor in my head”. $4000 later no tumor but I have a cyst. Lol. I have so much medical debt. Just wait until you have kids…. Anytime Quinn sneezes I am on mommy boards panicking that my kid must have caught polio from some non-vaccinated kid on the playground. 😔

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